


What I’ve Done

by Daisy_PoisonPen



Series: Memories [3]
Category: Avengers: Endgame - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, Heavy Angst, Song: What I’ve Done by Linkin Park, Songfic, You’re gonna need a drink
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22248772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisy_PoisonPen/pseuds/Daisy_PoisonPen
Summary: I’ve got a lot of red in my leger and today, I finally get to clear it all out. For him, for them, for the universe.
Relationships: Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov
Series: Memories [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1469045
Kudos: 5





	What I’ve Done

**Author's Note:**

> Hello welcome to this installment of things I did instead of working on my WIPs, the Nobody Is Safe Edition. I was in a mood, and I am still in a mood, and I kind of hate the world right now so fuck it.  
> Here we are in Natasha’a head as she is falling from a cliff to her eternal doom.
> 
> It’s not graphic or gruesome ok, but still proceed with caution. I don’t want you guys to get triggered or something cos I was in a shitty mood and wanted to write shitty angst. If you’re dealing with stuff that makes jumping off a cliff it home, please wait for chapter 2 and if you need to talk, please do. You’re loved and important.

I’ve got a lot of red in my leger.

It’s what I hear Barton telling me. After five years of tearing apart the criminal underworld with a sword and his bare hands, he feels like he deserves to die here. He can’t let me die here when he deserves it.

I never really stopped being a spy. I was always so natural at playing both sides. I killed without mercy for years.  _ I have no place in the world.  _ I was told that for so long. And it was true for so long. Until I met Nicholas Fury. Tony Stark.  _ Steve Rogers. Bruce Banner. Thor.  _ They took us in when they had no reason to. They became my place in the world.

**_In this farewell_ ** **_  
_ ** **_There's no blood,_ ** **_  
_ ** **_there's no alibi_ **

And yet, I’m still alone in the universe. Clint isn’t. He has family. And when I’m dead and he goes home with the soul stone, he’ll see them again.

I say goodbye. He does too. Neither of us really means it, but we’ve been best friends and liars for a long time.

**_'Cause I've drawn regret_ ** **_  
_ ** **_From the truth_ ** **_  
_ ** **_of a thousand lies_ **

I tell myself,  _ I have no place in the world,  _ as I look into his clear blue eyes, filled with tears. It’s a lie. He’s my place in the world, like the rest of them. I need him to live, and I know what I have to do to achieve that. 

**_So let mercy come_ ** **_  
_ ** **_and wash away_ **

He is tricky. He’s going to fight me until the end of it. I’m not going to lose. After all, I’m an assassin. I’ve got a lot of red in my leger. They taught me how to kill anything and anyone. Even myself.

He meets my eyes for a second as he runs toward the edge. I chase after him and god, I hope that one day he’ll forgive me. I reach him in the air as we rush toward the ground together.

**_Put to rest_ ** **_  
_ ** **_what you thought of me_ **

He’s strong. He holds on to me as tightly as he can. He can pull me up—he’s trying to pull me up, to save me.

I can’t be saved, I know that now. It’s okay, I don’t want to be. I’ve been trying to clear the red in my leger for more than ten years now. It’s the first time I’ve ever really had the chance. No, saving New York wasn’t it. Even if it had been, the disaster in Sokovia and the mess in Vienna and Germany definitely ruined it. This… this chance for what I do to help save half the universe… I have to take it.

I just hope that it works.

**_while I clean this slate_ ** **_  
_ ** **_with the hands_ ** **_  
_ ** **_of uncertainty._ **

“Let me go.”

I hate that I’m breaking him. I almost let me pull him up, really. His face, crumpled and red, his eyes brimming with tears, it’s the only thing on earth that’s ever been able to stop me. “No,” he whispers, “Please, no.”

“It’s okay,” I lie.

He tightens his grip.

I can’t do anything but look at him for a long time.  _ I love you,  _ I want to tell him.  _ You’re my place in the world. I wouldn’t be able to complete this mission if you were the one that died. You’re my place in the world.  _

_ You’re my place in the world. _

I press my feet onto the rock and kick off as hard as I can.

“NO!” 

My stomach flips as I drop.

**_So let mercy come_ ** **_  
_ ** **_And wash away_ **

I keep my eyes on him.I let my mind replay the moment we met, all of our missions together, all of the time we went on missions apart and then went out for drinks. 

I let myself replay the moment he introduced me to Laura, and the moment Cooper was born, then Lila. Nate. God, or whoever is listening, please let Clint have them back. Don’t let this be for nothing.

**_For what I’ve done_ ** **_  
_ ** **_I start again_ **

I say it all out loud because I know I have a moment left. 

_ “You were my place in the world. Everything I’ve ever done right up until how we met, it’s made me better— a better spy, a better fighter, a better friend. A better person. I’m okay and you will be too. I love you, Clint. You were my place in the world.”  _

I take the bracelet off, program it to return and throw it. 

I’ve got a lot of red in my ledger and today, I’m finally going to clear it out. For him, and for the universe.

I close my eyes.   
  
**_And whatever pain may come_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Today, this ends._ **


End file.
